just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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