OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
