college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
