there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
