I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
