Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
