she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
