On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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