hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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