If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize