Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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