and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
