I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
