that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
