I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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