i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
