You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
