I wannas sexs uuuuu
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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