matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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