clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
