Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So vagazzling was a success
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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