So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
sarcasm needs its own font
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
