I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Randomize
