If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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