I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
