I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
