the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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