Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
