those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Randomize
