He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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