how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
