I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
