After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
