On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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