she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
