I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
