the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
