dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize