I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
