I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
