i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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