dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
