You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
3 2 1 whiskey
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
