Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
