I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
