I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
