I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
