How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize