he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you told grandpa to call you daddy
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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