you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I have grass duct taped all over my body
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Pooping to opera.
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