I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
