where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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