He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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