Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she smelled like a LAN party
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
FUCK WHALES
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
