She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
