finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
