All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
