i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
