Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
