I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
