He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
