he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
