bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
