New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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