areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
